Now I can say that my life have changed irreversibly. The guy, who I thought is my life, my future, doesn't want to see or hear me anymore. I still can't accept it. "It can't be true!" - I think. It's like a death - you can't accept and believe in it in the beginning. But I know people can overcome anything. I will accept the fact that I lost that man forever. It will be in the future. But it will be. It must be. The feelings will not disappear, they will fade away. The pain, anger will fade away. The only thing I can do is to wait. And I will wait.

Music: Massive Attack - Paradise Circus

Fear and freedom

I have been going in for aikido trainings for 1 year and a half. I overcame some fears that I had. I started to do a lot of things i was afraid of. I started to be proud of myself. I started to feel free to do some brave (for me!) stuff :) But then I missed a lot of trainings because of my work, because of my laziness. Last time I was on a training I realized that my fears are growing inside me. Now I am afraid of some things that I used to do earlier. It's a shame. The only reason of my fears is my mind. When I just stop thinking and start doing - I can do a lot of things. Just stop thinking how difficult the movement would be and how painful it would be to fall.
Relax, just do what you need to do, don't think too much! You can do whatever you want. You need to be strong, you can do more!

Она

Она руками своими нежными
Петлю на шею тебе набросит,
Не оставляя ничего от тебя прежнего,
Cама на цыпочки встать попросит.
Ты даже не сможешь ее увидеть,
Ты никогда не заглянешь в ее глаза,
А думаешь о том как бы ее не обидеть,
Не веря в то, что она действительно зла.
Ты можешь с ней расцвести и засохнуть,
Она сожрет тебя как цветок тля,
Но все равно лучше уж так сдохнуть,
Чем никого никогда не любя.

M.C. Escher

This great artist was one of my "discoveries" of the last year.
I'd like to say what features and techniques I really like in his works (before I forget it!).

First of all, I enjoyed Escher's works when he used 2D and 3D pictures on one composition.

For example, we can see on "Drawing Hands" that one hand is drawing another. 
The fingers and the hand are very realistic but in the direction of the wrist the hand is smoothly becoming plain and less 3D, it's loosing small features. And no-one knows which hand was first and started to draw another: it seems that they are on the same stage of work.

Another great work with different dimensions is "Reptiles".













Second point is that Escher played with perspective and created the impossible constructions. M.C. Escher was not just an artist, he was a mathematician! You see the picture, everything is fine from the first glance. But if you start to look better you understand that there can't be such staircases or one floor is connected with another one by some incredible degree, or the pillars must have a spiral shape.

I really like "Waterfall" work in which waterfall produces itself.
















In "Ascending and Descending" people are walking in circles. They ascend and descend, ascend and descend again and there is no end to their action.













Third point, he produced lithographs. I find it difficult process to made such prints so I respect his diligence.

Last point and the point I was so crazy about is his works with irregular divisions of the plane. It's amazing! The main work on this theme is "Metamorphosis" (I and II - they are wonderful). The buildings are turning into symmetrical figures which are turning into living beings! The plane full of lizards, some fishes who are eating ships or angels and demons .

I'd like to see some of his works once. But what I want more is to visit his museum in the Hague, the Netherlands. They created a lot of funny things that are playing with relativity and dimensions. It must be a place that can blow up your mind. And I like it! =)

Here are some quick links:
A website about M.C. Escher
Escher Museum (in English)

All pictures in this post were copied from http://www.mcescher.com.

Forgiveness and other magic powers

I am participating in Star Wars group. Nothing special - we just watch Star Wars and then discuss what we've seen. Our teacher asked us a question this meeting: "Some characters in Star Wars have special powers. What kind of magic power would you like to have?" One answer was about magic beard, another was about ability to fly. I said that I want to be immortal but have an opportunity to stop living at the moment I'd like to :)
But some guy in the group said that he wanted to have a power to forgive everyone. He said that now he had been driving a car a lot these days. And he became angry with many drivers. He wanted to forgive them easily. We continued to discuss that topic for a while.
I said that it's quite easy for me to forgive other people. It depends on situation but in most cases I forgive people after a while. But it's difficult to forgive yourself. I've done a lot of bad things to other people: lying, cheating, shouting instead of helping. It follows me every day. I remember about what I've done and I feel sad and ashamed. My teacher said that she also had the same situation. But she made a list of things she had done and confessed to a priest in a church. And she felt free and happy after that.
It's very cool about confession, church and priest. But what if I don't believe in God? What should I do? How not to blame yourself?
I've been feeling not very good for last 2 or 3 weeks. All my bad things are haunting me. I have a kind of big stone on me that tries to squash me. And I feel its weight every minute. I want it to disappear but how can I forgive myself? And there are some issues that other person haven't forgiven me yet. So I don't have a right to forgive myself those things. Even if people will forgive me all my deeds, I should forgive myself. I cry from time to time.
I think about the list of all bad things I've done. Maybe it helps somehow. I'm not sure.